You Only Turn 21 Once
by TheFirstMrsHummel
Summary: Total and complete RPF Crack!Fic slightly-more-than-drabble about Chris Colfer celebrating his 21st birthday while on the Glee Live tour. dedicated to Dreaming-Of-A-Nightmare and Lizzie Poodle, who encouraged me to post this wine-fueled piece of madness.


The cast of the 2011 Glee Tour looked around the large suite that had been rented for Chris's after-show 21st birthday party, completely stunned at the sheer amount of alcohol it contained. Not only had many friends and celebrities sent bottles of wine, beer and hard liquor; apparently Chris's fans had taken him at his word in several recent interviews. Many of them had showed up with gifts purchased at their local liquor store; delighted, Chris had sent out a few members of the security team to collect them for him, and pass along his thanks.

They plugged Chris's iPod into the stereo system and hit shuffle, then proceeded to drink copiously and get completely wasted along with their awesome - and now totally legal - costar and friend. There was lots of dancing and singing along with the music blaring from the speakers. After a few hours, most people had left to try and get some sleep, while Mark, Darren, and a couple of others had passed right out in the suite. Chris was left with his two best friends from the cast, Ashley and Lea. They were all absolutely smashed.

"Oh shit," slurred Chris.

"Wha?" said Ashley and Lea together. They tried to give each other a high five to celebrate the jinx, but completely missed.

"Just…I am so freaking horny right now," said Chris.

"You must be _really _drunk," said Ashley, "if you think that either of us can help you out with that." She and Lea dissolved into giggles.

Chris stood up, swaying. "It's not _fair_," he whined.

"What's not fair?" asked Lea, squinting up at him.

"I am…I am Chris fucking Colfer! I'm super famous! I have a Golden Globe and I'm one of Time Magazine's Totally Fucking Most Influential People! There was an arena full of people tonight, having orgasms watching me do Single Ladies!"

"So?" said Ashley.

"So why can't I get _laid_?" Chris shouted.

"No offense, sweetie," said Lea. "But you never stop working long enough to meet someone, let alone let them bang you."

"I know!" Chris responded, heatedly. "And I can't even hook up with one of my costars!" He flopped down on the couch. "Why do I have to be the only gay guy on the show? I mean, you're seen our show- it's totally gay! But everyone else - except Jane, of course, which doesn't help me much - is straight as a ruler. What the hell is up with _that_?"

Both girls rubbed his back, feeling bad for him. It really was quite the conundrum. Suddenly, Chris started ranting again.

"None of them are even bi-curious! How is that even possible? I mean, sometimes I think Max might be into it. He keeps giving these interviews where he says that kissing me was great." He sighed. "But no, I know better. He's just enormously comfortable with his sexuality. He and Jen are so in love, anyway. Even if he wanted to tap my ass, he wouldn't." He stood up again, pointing at the girls. "I want a groupie."

"What?" they exclaimed in unison, again.

"I just played a show that sold out in ten minutes. I must have groupies, somewhere. Someone go get me one, so I can finally get off with something besides my hand."

"Chris," said Ashley, trying to get up off the couch, but falling back. "You don't want to fuck a fan. Your reputation is flawless. Don't screw that up."

"Well, what am I going to do, then?" Chris asked. "Is it too much to ask, after all I give, give , give, that I can have sex on my twenty-first birthday? I'll only turn twenty-one once, you know."

"I know!" said Lea. "We can get you a hooker!"

"What, a rentboy, or something?" Chris asked. It wasn't like he'd never considered it. It was just, like Ashley had said. His reputation. So he'd never indulged in paying for it, no matter how common it was in Hollywood.

"Totally! We'll call the concierge, find some local escort service that's classy and discrete."

"Really?" said Chris, sloppily. "You'd do that, for me?"

"Absolutely. We'll even treat, right Ashley?"

"You bet. We'll wake up the guys who're passed out and get them out of here. Why don't you take a nice whirpool bath while you wait? The bathroom in this suite is off the chain. Light some candles, get in the mood."

"Maybe sober up a little," suggested Lea, "so you actually remember it tomorrow."

Chris hugged them both, tightly. "You are the best friends ever!" he said, happily.

"Our pleasure," said Lea.

"Happy birthday, Chris," said Ashley, winking. "Hope it's the best one yet!"


End file.
